How to Maintain and Find New Friends on Facebook

In the world of Social Media, there’s nothing more important than how you present yourself to your online networks.  Here are some of my tips to keep and grow a healthy network on Facebook.

1.  Consistently Post Selfies

Show how much you love your Friends by having 98% of your photos be of yourself taken by yourself.   Whether it be fed from your Instagram account or a Tweet, your Facebook Friends will happily reward your narcissistic behaviour.  The other 2% can be of food.

2.  Be Super at being Superficial

The next time you see someones selfie,  leave them with a comment.  One word will suffice.  “Cute”, “Sexy” or “Hot” will do.  When you pretend care about your network, your network will pretend care about you.  Not only do you cultivate your Friends with pretend care, deep down you know your shit is better than theirs.  

3.   Friend Request By Being A Doppelganger

Expanding your network has never been easier.  If you like meeting new people but hate being rejected, this is a surefire way to gain new Friends.  First, open the Facebook page of the person that you want to be Friends with.  Copy their Profile Picture and upload it as your own.  Send a Friend Request and enjoy your new addition.

4.  “Like” Everything You Do

After sharing pictures, links or updating your Status, immediately hit the Like button and begin habitually Like-ing yourself.  This tells your network that it’s okay to Like yourself.  Your Friends are under the impression that Like-ing themselves causes blindness.  Prove them wrong by becoming a pioneer of self gratification and broaden your networks perception on what was once thought to be forbidden.

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5.  Send Game Invites

Who doesn’t like a little friendly competition?  What better way to inform your network of how much you pretend care about them, by inviting them to play Candy Crush and every possible game on Facebook.  People love to see 157 notifications when they log into their account.  What surprises them more is that 156 red notifications are activities they could play with you.  Solidify yourself as the most interactive person in your network by reminding them the true purpose of Facebook.

6.  The Power of a Quote

Being original holds no merit in the Facebook universe.   Show your Friends your originality by stealing famous quotes that accurately reflect your current state of well-being and post them as your own.  By leaving out the proper attributes, you’ll bedazzle your network with your less than cryptic style of expression.  Let them know not only have you watched the show, but you are smarter than a 5th grader.

7.  Play the Woe is Me Card

If your selfies aren’t receiving the proper attention you think they should, try sharing your personal afflictions with the Facebook world.  This will garner massive amounts of recognition from your network, keeping them captivated with your trivial affairs.  They are anxiously waiting to play the Pretend Care card because at this very moment, nobody else in the entire world is going though a little drama in their lives besides you.

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