10 Thoughts From A Dehydrating Turtle

Sometimes, I visit basking turtles and start up a conversation.  Unlike the babes on the beach, they can’t just up and walk away.  Plus, most Betties start to (pretend) text when the lost of interest sets in.  A tactic I commonly use on Mormons.

I found Hershel taking a nap in the tide-pools.  Before he could get some shut eye, I quickly polled him then took his photo without his consent, forever stealing his turtle soul.

10 Thoughts From Hershel:

  1. Turtles don’t really say “Duuude” or “Awwwesome”.  It’s a stereotype from some jackhole in the animation department.  That’s like saying “I squat” so I must be Asian.
  2. Those shark attacks you hear on the news?  Yeah, it’s a club I’m involved in.  We lure big teeths, that’s what we call them, to unsuspecting swimmers.  Sharks have serious A.D.H.D and it’s easy to get lost in the crowd.  Milton is the craziest in the club though.  He once tried to lure a 15 foot tiger big teeth to a group of surfers.  Now we call him Tri-ton.
  3. There’s a place we call the Cleaning Station.  It’s a neutral territory where no attacks are allowed.  Even barracudas show up to receive service from the reefies(reef fish).  It usually takes me four hours with the full attention of reefies to get my shell nice and spiffy.  But when the barracudas show up with their silver scales and obnoxious underbites, I lose half of my crew.  Now I have to float for eight hours.  Barracudas show no respect.  Fucking barracudas.
  4. The deepest I ever dove was about 468 feet.  Well, I wouldn’t know exactly because turtles have no form of measurement.  I don’t even know how old I am.  At the bottom of this trench, I found all kinds of trash.  Bones from a big teeth, an old tire, scrap fiberglass, a republican and a book titled the Holy Bible.
  5. Sebastian the Crab was gay.
  6. I got picked up by one of those nets that harvests Albacore.  Believe it or not, I told the Captain that I had white meat.  So he let me off with a warning.
  7. I have a recurring dream where my fins disappear and I grow human limbs.  In this dream I am able to run and jump.  Being that I have no concept of run and jump, the dream feels more like an infinite paradox.
  8. I already have to swim in my own shit.  Do you guys really have to send yours here?
  9. Do you know those offshore Oil Rigs way out in the ocean?  Yeah, never been there.
  10. My Facebook account was suspended because I kept posting nude selfies.  Because we’re all born with clothes on…fucking barracudas.

want more thoughts from Hershel?  see Hershel Strikes Back.

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