How to Tour Hawaii Like A Boss

Planning your next trip to Hawaii?  Here’s the skinny to get the most out of your visit to the middle of the pacific and ensure you vacation like a boss.  Warning, spoiler alert.
  1. Stay in a Bed and Breakfast:  Big name hotels are overrated and taxed to death, passing on the overhead to you the consumer.  Free yourself from the claustrophobic chambers of a three star and boss vacay in style.  Most B&Bs are locally owned and comparingly priced with hotels,  keeping your hard earned cash in the hands of Hawaii residents and not diluted through a national chain.  B&Bs are run by small business owners and pride themselves on customer satisfaction as opposed to big hotels that formulate profits and deal with occupancy numbers.   Hotel formula: happiness = don’t give a fuck   
  2. Plan Accordingly or Don’t:  So you want to swim with dolphins or do a scenic hike up Diamond Head?  Know the hours of the State Parks and any requirements for your specific activity you’d want to do and make use of your limited time.  Dolphins aren’t nocturnal so if you want to swim with them at ten o’clock at night, forget it.  On the contrary, you’ll definitely have an adventure by not planning at all.  Tap into the spirit of spontaneity and participate in an activity on a whim.  A little shenanigans is boss for the soul.

    Google Map This
  3. Approve a Friend Request:  Probably to most crucial advice aside where you lay your head at night.  Locals are a wealth of information that rivals any Google search, relatively.  They can show you places not found in tour books, direct you to the best eateries and be a liaison between you and the unfamiliar culture they represent.   Remember to show your new friend a little gratitude.  A bag of rice, a package of nori and a case of Spam works best.  Your first task is to ask your liaison to explain the correlation between the three.
  4. Wikiwiki on Wiki:  A little knowledge goes a long way.  Learn what a shaka is and know how to throw a proper one.  Pronounce karaoke correctly.  Read up on the birth of Pidgin English.  Ask for shave ice, not snow cones.  And for gods sake, remove your shoes before you enter a house.  Even if you paid for your Bed and Breakfast.  Walking in a home with your shoes on, even your own is like chewing with your mouth open and won’t get you invited to junior boys one year lu’au from your new local friend.  Displaying information you know, about something we know, but know you shouldn’t know but somehow you know, garners major boss points.  You know?

    …and this
  5. Eat The Poi:  This is analogous to taking the road less traveled.  Don’t know how to swim?  Too fucking bad.  You’ve just arrived in a state surrounded by water, so strap on a mask and gear up with fins and get your face wet.  You didn’t fly 4000 miles to eat at Mcdonalds, so immerse yourself in local cuisine.  Mcdonalds $1 Taro Pie doesn’t count.  Helicopter tours are boss and if you have a fear of flying, your airplane ride to the islands negates it and that argument goes out the helicopter window.

    Perhaps a Local Can Take You Here
  6. Discover the Art of Discovery:  You’ve just unpacked your shit in the B&B, so now what.  Keep in mind, Hawaii needs tourism to survive and mostly everything you see is subliminally ordering you to open your wallet.  Any handout or pamphlet showcasing a tanned model draped with leis, is screaming superficial.  Look for publications without the pomp and circumstance for event listings.  They are intended for locals and the true spirit of Hawaii resides in those activities.  You could take the lazy mans vacay and jump on a tour bus, restricting yourself to pre-determined locations or rent your own car to be the boss of your own schedule and discover Hawaii at your own pace and demand.

    Hawaii, Open 24 Hours a Day
  7. Open Your Umbrella:  Not to be misconstrued with chances of rain, your holiday will have more significance by having an open mind.  You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy and your surroundings might resemble the yellow brick road.  Embrace the unfamiliar because ending up at a beach you can’t pronounce or finding out why you shouldn’t have moved that rock, might be a good thing.

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10 thoughts on “How to Tour Hawaii Like A Boss”

  1. I DO know the correlation between Spam, nori, and rice.

    The shoes are the first to go once I get inside the house anyway, so I just have to remember to shed them BEFORE entering (and not include my bra in the mix which is what goes at the same time as the shoes).

    I’d like to try poi.

    Have been reading up on Pidgin English and dude…. gonna have to take some studying, yes.

    I at first read shaka as shakra and I’m like “I know how to throw those and shuriken, too!!” but I then did a dyslexic double take and was like “Oh, ok!” 😉

    I have a purple Hello Kitty umbrella with black ruffles, so that will be just grand 😀

    So, let’s see, bribing you with nori, rice, and Spam will gar-on-tee I’ll be shown places untold and wonders unnumbered? 😉

    Vertigo + helicopters = no bueno 😦
    But as long as the fight attendant keeps feeding me vodka, I’m usually ok on flights :p


    1. sounds like you’re on the right track to having a kick ass vacay. for the bribe, i’ll direct you to a place that employs my favorite bartender. no tourists, poi on the menu and vodka till you puke.


      1. I’m Irish.

        Irish don’t puke.

        UNLESS we mix said vodka with cheap beer [a REAL no-no] that is, otherwise we just sing a lot and get very gropish :p

        But YAY!!! 😀

        Just so you know, the first time I heard about the whole Spam/nori/rice issue, I said “DAMN! And here I thought us Southerners knew how to handle meat(?) in a can!”


    1. bring your skiing gear because there might be a lot of snow on Mauna Kea this year. seriously!

      that’s because falling off the board ends up on the cutting room floor! ha! thanks susie


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