Category Archives: The Funny

Pornography. Harmless or Toxic?

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS. Showing up unannounced since the invention of the door bell.

In my childhood into early adulthood, I was tormented by people claiming to have witnessed Jehovah.  First of all, I’ve lost bits and pieces of great episodes from Tranzor Z and The Monchichis that I’ll never get back.  And watching old school Saturday morning cartoons online isn’t the same because YouTube doesn’t provide the fresh bowl of Frosted Flakes.  Second, their Christian propaganda went straight into the trash because recycling wasn’t cool yet.  Ironically contributing to their own fabricated Armageddon.

The tide has turned (somewhat) in favor of God’s Kingdom as I am now actively looking for preaching pamphlets.  I guess that’s a win for them, right?  But, I am not joining a convent.  I am not being converted nor ingesting any pale bland wafers.  I simply desire to rephrase their obtuse rhetoric, headlining the handouts.  This is what it should have said…    Continue reading Pornography. Harmless or Toxic?

10 Thoughts From A Dehydrating Turtle

Sometimes, I visit basking turtles and start up a conversation.  Unlike the babes on the beach, they can’t just up and walk away.  Plus, most Betties start to (pretend) text when the lost of interest sets in.  A tactic I commonly use on Mormons.

I found Hershel taking a nap in the tide-pools.  Before he could get some shut eye, I quickly polled him then took his photo without his consent, forever stealing his turtle soul.

10 Thoughts From Hershel: Continue reading 10 Thoughts From A Dehydrating Turtle

Raising Wisconsin

Today, a friendly couple from Wisconsin approached me and asked the common questions from Hawaii vacationers.  How do I get here?  Where is a great place to eat?  What language are you speaking?  The question that made the highlight reel was when the adorable Wisconsin lass asked where can she see a Ninny.  What she meant to say was Nene, pronounced ney-ney, as in Hawaii’s state bird.

I get sideswiped by similar questions a lot, and are usually followed by silence and three seconds of awkward eye contact.  The first of three seconds, I’m thinking what the hell is Ninny.  She’s thinking, I hope I get to see a Ninny.  The second following the first, I’m thinking I am missing information that I should know, like seriously what the hell is a Ninny?  She’s thinking, maybe I should ask someone else because it’s been two seconds without a response.  The final second, I’m thinking that I need a haircut and the burger I just ate was over 550 calories.  Also, she probably meant Nene, and is mispronouncing it as a Wisconsinan would most likely do.   She’s thinking, one more second of this shit and the world is going to explode.

Fortunately the world didn’t explode but my brain almost did.  Googling every brain cell in a fraction of second and attempting to withdraw the context of her question, cost me every calorie of that juicy burger.  We enjoyed a great conversation after the Ninny Nene debacle was resolved and the womans flushed cheeks quickly dissipated with laughter.  I became engaged in how Wisconsinans tolerate below freezing temperature.  The type of game they hunt.  Daily routines.  Avoiding wolves.  And vice versa.  Yeah, we don’t have to worry about the alpha, omega and everything in between trying to rip us to shreds, I tell them.  But we do have mongoose, and If you don’t sleep with your hand down your pants, the mongoose will come and steal your nuts.

 

How to Maintain and Find New Friends on Facebook

In the world of Social Media, there’s nothing more important than how you present yourself to your online networks.  Here are some of my tips to keep and grow a healthy network on Facebook.

1.  Consistently Post Selfies

Show how much you love your Friends by having 98% of your photos be of yourself taken by yourself.   Whether it be fed from your Instagram account or a Tweet, your Facebook Friends will happily reward your narcissistic behaviour.  The other 2% can be of food.

2.  Be Super at being Superficial

The next time you see someones selfie,  leave them with a comment.  One word will suffice.  “Cute”, “Sexy” or “Hot” will do.  When you pretend care about your network, your network will pretend care about you.  Not only do you cultivate your Friends with pretend care, deep down you know your shit is better than theirs.   Continue reading How to Maintain and Find New Friends on Facebook

Cash On Delivery, The Lost Edition

Photo credit:  GoogleWhen I’m not stalking people on Facebook, I write letters addressed to people that are not signed by me but meant for them and they think it’s from the person that signed it but it’s not, it’s originally from me not the signed and this is an example of a Run-On sentence.

Dear Pink Underwear,
I apologize for any inconvenience.  I had too many drinks last night and passed out in the washing machine.
Red Shirt
 
Dear Infinity,
Your impersonation of my lazy self is getting old.  There’s only so many times you can do that, right?
Number 8    Continue reading Cash On Delivery, The Lost Edition

Happy Clap

At the end of August, my grandmother will be celebrating her 90th birthday.  An accomplishment that is surely to be cherished.  Besides the common ailments and achy joints, I am amazed of the level of fortitude she totes bundled with her enduring wit.  She still drives.  Does her own shopping and errands.  Goes to church and even visits the beach almost everyday.

If I reach 90, will I still have that kind of mental capacity?  Will I be able to drive when I’m 90?  What about cars?  Are cars going to even exist when I’m 90?  Maybe we’ll commute using teleportation.  We already carry Captain Kirks communicator with adornments pre-installed.  Now we just need the Enterprise.  Maybe they’ll be an app for transport.  Maybe we won’t be even using apps.  Maybe, just maybe…cell phones will be retired and with help of nanites, the way we communicate will be through an organic motherboard sutured under the skin of our fingertips.  e.g. Total Recall.

funny-birthday-wishesInformation between two people can easily be exchanged by a ‘High Five’.  A ‘Rock On’ position will call a predetermined number.  A Fist will order a pizza.  A Snap will deliver a stripper.  Two Fists will deliver a stripper holding a pizza.  A Clap activates the teleportation app, thrusting you directly in the managers office where you can demand a refund if the stripper wasn’t delivered within 30 minutes.

Unlike the rigid structure of certain religions, slangs and acronyms would evolve.  Yes evolution is real.  FB or IM me will simply be replaced by FM.  Though ‘Finger Me’ emanates awkward.

FB- Facebook

IM- Instant Message

FM- Finger Me