Tag Archives: facebook

What The Apps


Yup, it’s that time again to rip on Facebook. Facebook users that is. Observe, participate, analyze. That is the crazy repetitive cycle in this noggin of mine. I’ve already done the analytical cycle with Farmville, Petville and Daily Horoscope. Choke fun. Choke defriendings. In a nutshell, plow your own damn fields, clean up your own dog shit, and I’m not a Libra so why do I care that you’re having a superb day.

Lets add Status Shuffle to that list. Because life is hard and too difficult to express in your own words. Praise the makers of an application that writes everything out for you. Praise the commenters and likers. For they truly appreciate unoriginal writings. A standing ovation, to those who use automated vocabulary. Your artificial cleverness and wit does not go unnoticed. Congratulations to those who receive kudos for something they copy. Your 4th grade intelligence impresses the shit out me.

Now, go find an app that helps deal with this sarcasm overload. via Status Shuffle.

Virtually Addicted

ipad1Have you every noticed how fast technology is advancing? It may be faster than Clark Kent trying to find the shitter. With the recent launch of Apples iPad, I felt compelled to spit out more comical bullshit through the topic of tech.

During my final years of High School, we juveniles were strapped on digital devices. On top of that, the ones we had at the time were pieces of shit, compared to today’s standards. If you remember paging 07734 or 23778008 and turning it upside down or lugging the ten pound green screen gameboy with the overheating battery pack attached to your hip, then you can relate.

In the subject of music, we were on the cusp of the CD media transition. Which meant half of your audio library was cassette and the other, CDs. And forget the portable cd player. Any bump, jolt or whatever synonym to “hit” you want to use, would send you to the beginning of a track. Which made it more stationary than portable. You know there’s only so many repeats of Funky Y2C or Whoomp There It Is, you can take before the twitching begins. (YouTube it both, it’s there).

Before I overly dwell in nostalgia bliss, the road of technology seems smoothly paved and my eyes are transfixed on the upcoming bends. I think just being able to carry around a cell phone is just the coolest shit ever. Sure, mobile phones were around decades ago but many of us did not shell out a G for something the size of your arm.

Look at where we are today. iPhone wise. Check e-mail, mock people on fB, play words with friends, mock more people on fB, check surf-report (Skull Candy, great app btw), reply to IMs, reply to people on fB who don’t like the mocking….well, infinite list obviously. Even typing this note. Oh, and making a call once in a while. Top it off with the big daddy iPad and the godly Steve Jobs gives us a great glimpse into what is possible.

3D flat screens are already hitting the market. Like the cassette/CD transition, familiarity with new technology is often rough and possibly embarrassing. Imagine obliviously walking out of the house still wearing the 3D glasses. Or getting up to answer the door, in the middle of Avatar, with the huge red and blue focals masking half your face. Yup, im calling it. But possible akward situations, can’t top three dimensional titties flying at your face (My Bloody Valentine 3D). Best movie ever. Nah, not really. More like, Im not that into half naked blue Na’vi.

Mobile three dimensional touch screen Facebooking. With occasional titty. Sign me up.

The Ever So Useful “Like” Buttone (via Facebook)


THIS note writing is very therapeutic. you should all try it sometime. especially the ones who really do need therapy. if you’re not sure that you do, please read this…and then he said, “let there be status updates”. the author is not responsible for dizziness, fatigue, ringing in ears, prolonged erection, cannibalism or douchebagacitus that may occur.

With all those updates, applications, mobile uploads, videos, links, who said what to who and who is now friends with me, i had throw in the word me. who really has the time to indulge into all of ones news feed?

unless you’re johnny 5 and all you need is input. mmmm…input. but robots, we are not. cue in the ever so useful “like” button.

maybe the founder of fb foresaw the need for a multifunction tool. as our social network grows, our news feed continuously expands. in my case shrinks like it does after swimming in a pool for two hours,. instead of spending countless hours of “lol” commenting or “don’t worry sweetie, i’ll always be here for you” messages, we can skip the bullshit and just hit the “like” button. at the same time still feel connected to our network of douchebags. yup, two birds with one stone kind of deal. multitasking. or in FPS games, multifragging. wait, there’s more…multipass. pronounced mool-tee-pahs. what…i love movies.

on the other hand, the “like” button genuinely expresses that you really LIKE what is posted. let it be a funny story, pics of ono looking plate lunch, or someones lazy unoriginal attempt of a status update by cut and pasting an original famous quote. hey…im just saying. sometimes, my analytical slant eyes go too far. oh well, thats because i was born squinting.

yes, i have nothing better to do than write about a fucking facebook button. think you can do better? too late, you already slapped me off your friends list. it’s one of mans best inventions, next to duct tape, i give the “like” button a left mouse click with the cursor hovering over the “like” button. you and i have at least two things in common. one, we have tons of news feed jargon to read through, and two, we don’t want disassemble. NO DISASSEMBLE!!

…and then he said, “Let there be status updates” (My first blog entry)


SO i decided to create a note for this because the discussion of the title above is limitless and will need more than 420 characters allowed in a status update. also, facebooks new “simple” layout will probably be more complicated for those who still drag their knuckles. if you decide to continue reading, know this. i will, to the best of my ability, keep things short, concise and avoid fucking offensive remarks. 

first, let me say my english and composition are horrible. my last English course consisted of Sports Illustrated as the text book. no kidding. hey, the reason i signed up for the class is because of the Swimsuit Edition.  i made it a point, being a facebook user, to not “hide” anyone from the news feed, delete friends (which is another topic worthy of more than 450 characters), or be last place on bejeweled blitz. you’re on my friends list for a reason. either, i know you, we are related, or i fucking hate you. even with those meaningless updates that you post, i will never delete a friend. i will on the other hand, be like a hungry mosquito buzzing in your ear until you slap yourself off my friends list. moving on.

as a friend once mentioned to me, i am trying to get a full understanding of how the Universe works by researching behaviors in Facebook. stupendously, she is correct. you see, our differences on how we comprehend things sets us apart. yet it also brings us together. the ability to comprehend. think. thought. process. 

my views are twisted on certain topics, yes. yet some people are able to look beyond the layers of rude mockery and repulsive conceptions and grasp the idea. others are oblivious to the concept and rather post what monkey they saved in the zoo, how many cucumbers they farmed or persistently share what they’re doing every god damn five minutes. which brings me to my fifth paragraph. why.

since social networking is fairly new to human collective, medical science needs to play catch up. their first diagnosis, i think should be, the disease that compels some people to obey all urges to consistently update their status like a freaking play by play commentator. phew!! my interim word for that is douchebagacitus. if you believe you’re suffering from douchebagacitus, go ahead and slap the mosquito. what in the world is going on in their heads? what in the world is going on in my head? those people who feel the rest of the world needs to know that they’re doing laundry, watching tv, going to work, being bored and reminding the world they’re still doing laundry will forever remain a mystery. 
your 420 characters is yours to manipulate as you please. no doubt it is. what you enter in place of the gray “what’s on your mind”, i read. so do many other people. unless you only have three facebook friends. the question is, are you communicating productively or are you telegraphing that you suffer from a disease yet to be discovered? 

if you made it past Swimsuit Edition, congratulations. if you didn’t, you’re not even reading this sentence anyway and you’re probably trying to beat my bejeweled score. so you’re shit out of luck either way. i’ve concluded that we need stupid people in our lives. stupid friends even. stupid status updates. did you ever wonder if stupid people know that they’re stupid?  they don’t. dogs don’t know that they’re dogs. they only know, eat, shit, sniff ass, shit and chase quickly moving objects. cats don’t know that they’re cats. they only know, move quickly, eat, shit, run away from ass sniffing creature. you get the picture. i hate stupid people. i know you do too. but we live a symbiotic relationship with these dipshits. unfortunately. 
i left this note blank of any tags on purpose. i’ll let fate decide on who will read about this topic. share(share button is on the right of the note) this message and prevent anymore outbreaks of douchebagacitus. please. save as many as you can.