Tag Archives: humor

Peeved

water_nuclear

It really isn’t a great idea to start the day, bitching and whining about irritants. But like doing PC housekeeping, stripping off old wax, or taking out the trash, it needs to be done. Everyone has pet peeves. These are some of mine…
BIPOLAR STALKERS: Stalkers are so much fun to have. They adorn me with tons of attention. They’re harmless and mostly lurk in the shadowy parts of Facebook. But when interaction switches gears from Hi, Hello, Love you, I want your baby, To Why the fuck are you not calling back, where the fuck are you, Wah Wah Wah!! Then they become a little too much Courtney Love for me to handle.
STUPID PEOPLE: Maybe this should have been first. I know a lot of you probably have this on the top of their pet peeve list. Last night, I encountered someone who spelled friend, f r e i n d. Twice. Always, a l l w a y s. Dude, one L is enough okay. Fuel, fule and using “know” in ways the word “no”, is correct English grammar. Sorry, you don’t get points for pronunciation. And “a lot” is two words. It drives me nuts to see a bunch of thirty somethings who continuously use “alot”. Alot of bacon. Alot of waves. Alot of red lines under the the fricken ALOT word!!
GOING 35MPH IN THE LEFT LANE: Do I need to say more?
DROWNING TOURISTS: Yeah sad, but these malahini make our County Lifeguards work. If I was Lifeguard, I would be kicking back and spocking the betties all freeking day. But when monkeys who don’t understand the “rip tide”, swim against the current and get all fuck up. Then the Hollywood slow motion run, from the tower to water, kicks in. You gotta stick out the pectorals, cleave if wahine lifeguard and do the dramatic dive in the ocean, slowly so the camera doesn’t miss a bounce. By then, the buggah drownded. At least i would get a tan, from the thirty minute run from tower to water.
If I ever see someone waving hands and arms frantically in the ocean, I’m gonna wave back.

Orange Moon

orange moon

Returning to my home of all homes, there are many things that will always remain constant. Besides the ever growing ohana, the chickens that crow at two o’clock in the morning, the extremely vocal cows, the harmonious stray dog chorus and a town that goes silent at sundown. Surrounded by pasture lands, macadamia nut farms, and reformed sugar cane fields that now serve up silky smooth robust ka’u coffee beans and the hide and go seek pakalolo patch, this home of all homes is blanketed by a crisp night sky, littered with millions of unvisited stars

and an abnormally bright white moon.

The white moon is no more. Well, at least for now. Peles thick sulfuric dioxide, a.k.a. VOG, partnered with our trademark trade winds, now sufficate the lower half of Hawaii. Yup, choke choking. That makes complete sense if you speak pidgin. For the past week and half, I’ve been speaking hoarse “Ka’u” Pidgin under an orange moon. Very creepish, when you add in the pitch black surroundings of country nightfall. Also, unwanted random sounds seem to amplify themselves. Yeah, dakine sounds that make you tweak your neck saying “what the fuck was that!” in your head over and over.

This orange tainted moon made me realize I’m still scared shitless of the dark. And I’m not talking about not having the living room light on at night. I’m speaking of the blackness in between the forest of mac nut trees, and dirt roads that lead to more blackness. If you see me in Ka’u, I’ll be the one winding up the battery-less flashlight at 7pm. Ready for the orange moon.

Holy Shit Shark

shark_fin5:30pm. Courts, Ala Moana. A town break, known for its quick pitching face and high speed “rights”. Another Honolulu afternoon begins its farewells. Sky, orange. The typical baby blue now shunned by the distant setting sun. The ocean, now a deep bluish-green. Tinted with mirrored images of orange clouds.

Last wave in. I’m pau…

Rewind. 2:30pm. Another gorgeous day in Hawaii. Time to catch the few remaining waves of the dying south swell. I take a quick spin through the park. Oogling over the bettys working on their tans. I parallel
park my shit mobile. Wax up the board. Give the quick head jolt and throw a lazy shaka to the uncles next to me. They head jolt me back. But too lazy to put down their green bottles for a return shaka. Minors. They’ve refined the art of enjoying the afternoon in the city. Cooler. Beer. Beach. Laughter. Simplicity at it’s finest.

There’s not much to do while waiting in between sets. I stare at the postcard image of Diamond Head. It stares back but says nothing. I take a dive to cool off from the blazing Hawaiian sun. Going as deep as I can before equalizing. Look, a kala.! There IS fish on Oahu. A lung full of air I breath, as I surface facing the city. A rainbow, sitting pretty in the valley of Manoa. Reflections of other reflections off the twenty story glass pane monstrosities. Blue Hawaiian Chopper tours whizzes by. A honu comes up for air as well. Boring. Enough with writing poetry in my head. Send some damn waves already.

I surf the afternoon away, building up an appetite. Almost evening. Last wave in. Im pau…

Set comes. I huli my 10’0″ and face it to Manoa Valleys rainbow. Paddle. Drop in. Bottom turn. 10 foot shark. A beauty of a fish. Dark grayish brown back. Head, twice the size of mine. But seriously, why the fuck you gotta swim on the same wave as me Mr. Shark. I don’t like to share. But there he was. As long as my ten foot tanker. I almost jumped off my board because of his proximity. He could of held my right side rail with his fin if he wanted to. But that would be asinine if I did. Because, in the water, is last place I want to be. Out of fear, I turn over control of my body to my brain. HOLY SHIT SHARK!! is what comes out of my mouth. My left hand, uncontrollably imitates a shark fin and rests itself on the top of my head. More profanities are being spit out. I’m rusty on Jesus Christ moves, so the whole walk on water miracle wasn’t going to happen. I surf straight in. Fuck the cutbacks and nose rides. No tricks on this wave. My Japanese eyes aren’t Japanese anymore. It transforms into menpachi eyes. I didn’t know my asian eyes could stretch that much. My body glues itself to the board. I surf past a stand up paddler. He chuckles and smiles, asking, “What, you seen one shark?” I point behind me with my unused hand, dropping more F bombs. “He fucking right there!” “Fucking huge!” It was a lie, of course. I didn’t know where the shark went. I didn’t want to look.

Finally reach shore. Safe. Laugh. Thinking, oh my god, I must’ve looked like a fool. Imagining the other surfers out there witnessing my reactions and what they must be thinking. “How’s this moron coming down the wave, with severe tourettes and his shark fin hand on his head?” I learned something about myself. My vulgarity levels multiply and when scared shit less, I become a master at Charades. Other than that, it was the the most exciting “last wave” in my life.

I ironically cook fish for dinner, in tribute of the close encounter. Resembling the moment that I was almost fish food. Tomorrow, surf. This time I’ll bring a bucket. If this shit happens again, at least I’ll have something to carry all the bricks that I’ll shit out.

Food For Thought. Part 1.

facebook-unfriend

Recently, my Facebook page has been acting weird, giving me a headache. Loading half-ass, stupid grey box doesn’t go away after I poke someone, and trouble commenting on and publishing updates. Which may be a good thing. In my search through Google, tech forums, and countless blogs, I came across a few interesting articles. So interesting, they totally distracted me from seeking the answers I was looking for.

This quick Q&A interview with a Facebook Psychologist…who would of thought there was one…captured
my attention because his beliefs, reaffirmed most of mine. The following is easier to understand if you read the Q&A blog post.
We are still yet in the infant stages of social networking. Sure, myspace was around before fb, but where myspace failed, fb succeeded and continues to define how social networking came to be. Did you know fb has over 400mill users and is worth over $10bill? This craziness is in different countries too. Instead in the Philippines, they log into Facebookbook. My continuous journey through the mecca of social networking began with much observation. I began with asking myself many “WHY” questions, as I noticed consistencies in what people share. To have my brain work more efficiently, I mentally grouped most people based on what they post.
Persistent Application Updaters. aka, P.A.U. This group, specializes in letting the world know how they feel through facebook applications. Persistently. Granted, some apps are advantageous by being shared. i.e. Mafia Wars and Castle Age, where gamers seek help from teammates. None the less, majority of their updates are app related. Write nothing, app everything. All pau. My thoughts of P.A.U are here.

Consistent Updating Neurotic Trademark Symptoms aka C.U.N.T.S. People in this group treat their fb account as if it was Twitter and everyone else are their followers. I had a friend who was the inspiration for this category. No joke, she posted every 5 min. By the end of the day, my news feed was littered with just her posts. e.g.”____is uploading photos to computer!” 5min later…”____is waiting for photos to upload!” 5min later…”____ is still waiting for photos to upload!” Fucking shoot me. But C.U.N.T.S. are simply striving for attention. I complied by commenting “take your head out of your lap.” after she posted ” something smells dead!!” I never got a thank you.
Drama Obtuse Updaters Casually Happy Enthusiasts aka D.O.U.C.H.E. Similar to C.U.N.T.S., members of this group yearn for attention. They go about it by sharing cryptic melodramatic sayings. I don’t know about you guys, but the only time I listen to anything melancholy, is through Alanis Morissettes lyrics. She makes listening to hate, catchy and sing-alongable. Because I got one hand in my pocket, and the other ones giving you a high five…to your face. More about D.O.U.C.H.E.s here.
People post what they post because of how they perceive themselves and how they want others to perceive them. Regardless of group type. There are no pros and cons of being a particular group. Simply, it is a way I mentally organize what I read. It is mere coincidence that these acronyms seem familiar to words in our slang vocabulary. I’m not smart or clever enough to make these up. Having categorized my network, it frees up time to spend on people I want to converse with and eliminates the need to tend to members of P.A.U., D.O.U.C.H.E or C.U.N.T.S. Of course there are many who don’t belong in any of these groups. People of inspiration, humor, and sensitivity. I’ts an unnamed category because fb is ever changing. And so are it’s users.

Virtually Addicted

ipad1Have you every noticed how fast technology is advancing? It may be faster than Clark Kent trying to find the shitter. With the recent launch of Apples iPad, I felt compelled to spit out more comical bullshit through the topic of tech.

During my final years of High School, we juveniles were strapped on digital devices. On top of that, the ones we had at the time were pieces of shit, compared to today’s standards. If you remember paging 07734 or 23778008 and turning it upside down or lugging the ten pound green screen gameboy with the overheating battery pack attached to your hip, then you can relate.

In the subject of music, we were on┬áthe cusp of the CD media transition. Which meant half of your audio library was cassette and the other, CDs. And forget the portable cd player. Any bump, jolt or whatever synonym to “hit” you want to use, would send you to the┬ábeginning of a track. Which made it more stationary than portable. You know there’s only so many repeats of Funky Y2C or Whoomp There It Is, you can take before the twitching begins. (YouTube it both, it’s there).

Before I overly dwell in nostalgia bliss, the road of technology seems smoothly paved and my eyes are transfixed on the upcoming bends. I think just being able to carry around a cell phone is just the coolest shit ever. Sure, mobile phones were around decades ago but many of us did not shell out a G for something the size of your arm.

Look at where we are today. iPhone wise. Check e-mail, mock people on fB, play words with friends, mock more people on fB, check surf-report (Skull Candy, great app btw), reply to IMs, reply to people on fB who don’t like the mocking….well, infinite list obviously. Even typing this note. Oh, and making a call once in a while. Top it off with the big daddy iPad and the godly Steve Jobs gives us a great glimpse into what is possible.

3D flat screens are already hitting the market. Like the cassette/CD transition, familiarity with new technology is often rough and possibly embarrassing. Imagine obliviously walking out of the house still wearing the 3D glasses. Or getting up to answer the door, in the middle of Avatar, with the huge red and blue focals masking half your face. Yup, im calling it. But possible akward situations, can’t top three dimensional titties flying at your face (My Bloody Valentine 3D). Best movie ever. Nah, not really. More like, Im not that into half naked blue Na’vi.

Mobile three dimensional touch screen Facebooking. With occasional titty. Sign me up.

The Ever So Useful “Like” Buttone (via Facebook)

likedown

THIS note writing is very therapeutic. you should all try it sometime. especially the ones who really do need therapy. if you’re not sure that you do, please read this…and then he said, “let there be status updates”. the author is not responsible for dizziness, fatigue, ringing in ears, prolonged erection, cannibalism or douchebagacitus that may occur.

With all those updates, applications, mobile uploads, videos, links, who said what to who and who is now friends with me, i had throw in the word me. who really has the time to indulge into all of ones news feed?

unless you’re johnny 5 and all you need is input. mmmm…input. but robots, we are not. cue in the ever so useful “like” button.

maybe the founder of fb foresaw the need for a multifunction tool. as our social network grows, our news feed continuously expands. in my case shrinks like it does after swimming in a pool for two hours,. instead of spending countless hours of “lol” commenting or “don’t worry sweetie, i’ll always be here for you” messages, we can skip the bullshit and just hit the “like” button. at the same time still feel connected to our network of douchebags. yup, two birds with one stone kind of deal. multitasking. or in FPS games, multifragging. wait, there’s more…multipass. pronounced mool-tee-pahs. what…i love movies.

on the other hand, the “like” button genuinely expresses that you really LIKE what is posted. let it be a funny story, pics of ono looking plate lunch, or someones lazy unoriginal attempt of a status update by cut and pasting an original famous quote. hey…im just saying. sometimes, my analytical slant eyes go too far. oh well, thats because i was born squinting.

yes, i have nothing better to do than write about a fucking facebook button. think you can do better? too late, you already slapped me off your friends list. it’s one of mans best inventions, next to duct tape, i give the “like” button a left mouse click with the cursor hovering over the “like” button. you and i have at least two things in common. one, we have tons of news feed jargon to read through, and two, we don’t want disassemble. NO DISASSEMBLE!!