Happy Clap

At the end of August, my grandmother will be celebrating her 90th birthday.  An accomplishment that is surely to be cherished.  Besides the common ailments and achy joints, I am amazed of the level of fortitude she totes bundled with her enduring wit.  She still drives.  Does her own shopping and errands.  Goes to church and even visits the beach almost everyday.

If I reach 90, will I still have that kind of mental capacity?  Will I be able to drive when I’m 90?  What about cars?  Are cars going to even exist when I’m 90?  Maybe we’ll commute using teleportation.  We already carry Captain Kirks communicator with adornments pre-installed.  Now we just need the Enterprise.  Maybe they’ll be an app for transport.  Maybe we won’t be even using apps.  Maybe, just maybe…cell phones will be retired and with help of nanites, the way we communicate will be through an organic motherboard sutured under the skin of our fingertips.  e.g. Total Recall.

Information between two people can easily be exchanged by a ‘High Five’.  A ‘Rock On’ position will call a predetermined number.  A Fist will order a pizza.  A Snap will deliver a stripper.  Two Fists will deliver a stripper holding a pizza.  A Clap activates the teleportation app, thrusting you directly in the managers office where you can demand a refund if the stripper wasn’t delivered within 30 minutes.

Unlike the rigid structure of certain religions, slangs and acronyms would evolve.  Yes evolution is real.  FB or IM me will simply be replaced by FM.  Though ‘Finger Me’ emanates awkward.

FB- Facebook

IM- Instant Message

FM- Finger Me

Choice

Amongst peaceful scenic views, there is disharmony in my ears. And it’s very loud. I battle this boom of dramatic whining, with my imaginary mp3 player. I fucking forgot to pack my Zune, so I have to pretend jam to Aerosmith with my air guitar. And with no earbuds to plug my human sonar, I am tossed in the mecca of dramaville, without a life vest.

Thank goodness for blogs.

“Issues” are wherever you take them. People that jump ship and ditch locations in hopes of a better situation, have yet to understand that. But for some reason, Big Island inhabitants believe it’s cooler if you have more. And it’s way cool to share issues to anyone and everyone, AND their pet goat. It’s like they hoard an inventory of “one up” stories of struggles, ready at their disposal. Because if you’re miserable, then it’s cool. No, choice.   

12 Years New

The One Hundred Twenty Inch Project

I took it upon myself, to FINALLY fix up a twelve year old, 10’0″ longboard that has been collecting dust. Poor girl had dings up the ying yang and hasn’t been ridden in years. This baby has been to hell and back. She got her center skeg, box included, ripped out. Twice. Flew off the back off a truck, going uphill. And stored in the most redonkulous of places. A UH apartment, someones pool shed, and a strip clubs dressing room.

Items Used: adhesive remover; spray paint; putty knife; bondo putty; sandpaper; 1 pack Camel non menthols (not shown).

Stripping off old wax was easy. Taking off years of gunk from duct tape was a bitch to do.

Caution: The adhesive remover I used was professional grade and cut through duct tape residue like butter. But it burns through fiberglass so wipe it off quickly. Also do not get it on your skin because it hurts like a MOTHERBITCH!!
I patched the dings with Bondo Putty instead of SolarRez. Trust me it works. Then sanded the putty when it hardened.

I used all colors of paint at my disposal. I ended up going with this blue variant. It’s actually engine enamel. Able to withstand up to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Just in case barreling Lava comes my way.

I still need a creative design to spray, that I’m satisfied with, for the top of the board. But there she is. More or less, fully restored. 10 hours of elbow grease or an hour per foot. In all of her sexy ass blue.

Peeved

It really isn’t a great idea to start the day, bitching and whining about irritants. But like doing PC housekeeping, stripping off old wax, or taking out the trash, it needs to be done. Everyone has pet peeves. These are some of mine…
BIPOLAR STALKERS: Stalkers are so much fun to have. They adorn me with tons of attention. They’re harmless and mostly lurk in the shadowy parts of Facebook. But when interaction switches gears from Hi, Hello, Love you, I want your baby, To Why the fuck are you not calling back, where the fuck are you, Wah Wah Wah!! Then they become a little too much Courtney Love for me to handle.
STUPID PEOPLE: Maybe this should have been first. I know a lot of you probably have this on the top of their pet peeve list. Last night, I encountered someone who spelled friend, f r e i n d. Twice. Always, a l l w a y s. Dude, one L is enough okay. Fuel, fule and using “know” in ways the word “no”, is correct English grammar. Sorry, you don’t get points for pronunciation. And “a lot” is two words. It drives me nuts to see a bunch of thirty somethings who continuously use “alot”. Alot of bacon. Alot of waves. Alot of red lines under the the fricken ALOT word!!
GOING 35MPH IN THE LEFT LANE: Do I need to say more?
DROWNING TOURISTS: Yeah sad, but these malahini make our County Lifeguards work. If I was Lifeguard, I would be kicking back and spocking the betties all freeking day. But when monkeys who don’t understand the “rip tide”, swim against the current and get all fuck up. Then the Hollywood slow motion run, from the tower to water, kicks in. You gotta stick out the pectorals, cleave if wahine lifeguard and do the dramatic dive in the ocean, slowly so the camera doesn’t miss a bounce. By then, the buggah drownded. At least i would get a tan, from the thirty minute run from tower to water.
If I ever see someone waving hands and arms frantically in the ocean, I’m gonna wave back.

Virtually Addicted

Have you every noticed how fast technology is advancing? It may be faster than Clark Kent trying to find the shitter. With the recent launch of Apples iPad, I felt compelled to spit out more comical bullshit through the topic of tech.

During my final years of High School, we juveniles were strapped on digital devices. On top of that, the ones we had at the time were pieces of shit, compared to today’s standards. If you remember paging 07734 or 23778008 and turning it upside down or lugging the ten pound green screen gameboy with the overheating battery pack attached to your hip, then you can relate.

In the subject of music, we were on the cusp of the CD media transition. Which meant half of your audio library was cassette and the other, CDs. And forget the portable cd player. Any bump, jolt or whatever synonym to “hit” you want to use, would send you to the beginning of a track. Which made it more stationary than portable. You know there’s only so many repeats of Funky Y2C or Whoomp There It Is, you can take before the twitching begins. (YouTube it both, it’s there).

Before I overly dwell in nostalgia bliss, the road of technology seems smoothly paved and my eyes are transfixed on the upcoming bends. I think just being able to carry around a cell phone is just the coolest shit ever. Sure, mobile phones were around decades ago but many of us did not shell out a G for something the size of your arm.

Look at where we are today. iPhone wise. Check e-mail, mock people on fB, play words with friends, mock more people on fB, check surf-report (Skull Candy, great app btw), reply to IMs, reply to people on fB who don’t like the mocking….well, infinite list obviously. Even typing this note. Oh, and making a call once in a while. Top it off with the big daddy iPad and the godly Steve Jobs gives us a great glimpse into what is possible.

3D flat screens are already hitting the market. Like the cassette/CD transition, familiarity with new technology is often rough and possibly embarrassing. Imagine obliviously walking out of the house still wearing the 3D glasses. Or getting up to answer the door, in the middle of Avatar, with the huge red and blue focals masking half your face. Yup, im calling it. But possible akward situations, can’t top three dimensional titties flying at your face (My Bloody Valentine 3D). Best movie ever. Nah, not really. More like, Im not that into half naked blue Na’vi.

Mobile three dimensional touch screen Facebooking. With occasional titty. Sign me up.

11 Ways to use Bitstrips

This gallery contains 11 photos.